Apocolyptic Times

      Im almost sure it is still night as my body feels like it has not slept in days ,I peak at the clock.4:45 am but I have no idea what day it is or what day it should be.


         Huddle under my blanket as my eyes are not accustomed to the darkness surrounding me, my ears are alarmed to the crashing of the wind against the power lines banging upon the house forcing me to grab on tight to the fleece that cocoons me.

      I hear doors opening and closing...my nerves are at an all time high of rubbing raw from the jumping against each other....who is in my house? I hear dragging footsteps moving softly across the floors and stairs ,rustling through the cupboards. my mind races ...what could they be looking for?I have no money and everything else isnt worth breaking into my home for..it must be the meds...thought I had locked them up..oh no , maybe I didnt...should I go look? bag them tag them and hand them over to the culprits? Or worse , could it be the apocolyptic zombies coming to quench their thirst for blood and brains?

   I turn over onto my side so that my "good" ear can get a clearer sound as to whom may be out there..I dont want to know! I feel something shift in the bed beside me..OMG..its too late.( Ive watched too many horror movies to not assume the worst...what is making the sound under the blankets..its tormenting me,teasing me to look..On a normal day I am not afraid of creepy dolls, Freddy Krugers, Michael Myers or flesh wearing clowns but I think my day has come....Today wont be the day they take me to hell.I will NOT look!. I slowly let my legs find the edge ,being careful not to disturb the creature beneath the blankets..,I slither off the bed ,and as my face hits the floor I try hard to muffle my screams as I come face to face with an eyeless creature surrounded in flames.( fuk, the zombies have come for me).Its the fastest time I ever bounced up off the floor.I ran and locked myself in the dark and dreary bathroom. Shaking from adrenaline and fear I grope around the room looking for the counter..I know there is a flashlight in here somewhere..As the light shimmers across the mirror I let out a scream..what the hell was that? It was one of the scariest dishevelled creatures I have ever seen..Its eyes were black and squinty, almost lizard like, its hair was crumpled,ratted and matted..it was foaming at the mouth like it was hungry for flesh..I knew I had to get out of here..but what about the children? How would I get to them and keep them safe?

    Think , think!! I try to remember the safety plans we always make for emergencies but one doesn't think of house invasion as happening to us...OK, I calm myself down...who do I save first ; the closest or the furthest away from me, the youngest or the oldest?? I cant decide..I decide to not decide and let chance take over. I crawl along the hallway and my hand reaches the first door....

         Outside her doorway I notice  the  light  is on... I hear someone! they are in there with her..my poor baby.Im scanning around for a weapon..they wont get her over my dead body...I reach around the hallway corner as I know there should be a bat there..I hear the rustling around in her room, the mumbling of words... I slowly start to turn the doorknob and the light switches off. .great, now they know I am here......

My whole being is on alert as I hear an alarm echoing through...OMG what is going on? What could possibly be happening? My mind files through all the local stories of doom and disaster of the past week..Cpl. Nathan  Cirillo  being gunned down while guarding a historical monument outside of Parliament Hill in Ottawa ,Warrant Officer Patrice Vincent who was fatally run over on Monday by a Nissan driven by Martin Couture-Rouleau,  a Muslim convert whom the RCMP had investigated as an Islamic State sympathizer, planes being diverted, children missing, Isis group torturing and beheading of innocent people ,the  Ebola outbreak ..the list is endless.



The sound is so deafening, the whole neighbourhood has to be under attack..is the world coming to an end? are my parents ok next door or did someone get them too? tears are streaming down my face as the thoughts of all my loved ones are gone...The doorknob turns..this it is I think to myself..do I lay here pretending Im dead or stand up and start swinging the bat? My legs wont work...I look up to face the dark and twisted 6 ft monster who has ruined my life, he is carrying a bag ,is it a garbage bag containing body parts? It walks over me without uttering a word..stomping down the stairs 2 at a time...it stops..Oh no its coming back for me..I'm not ready to go yet! It looks at me and whispers "Mom, are you ready yet? Im going to be late for swim practise"

　

I look at the creature, I am confused, where, who , what how? I pick myself up , walk into the bathroom, look into the mirror..my hair is a mess and my mascara has covered in my swollen tired      eyes  .I smooth it down and try to clean up my face. I walk over to open the bedroom curtains --what just happened? I bend down to pick up the hair clip that has fallen and come face to face with the halloween mask the boys dropped under the bed..darn little devils. I grab the blankets to straighten them out and see the 2 little munchkins snoring and tucked deep inside them..I dont know how they sleep through the 4:50 am alarm.

I reach for the little blue pills that are supposed to keep my life on track and this freaking thyroid disease under control.. I put them back..they are not working!

I grab the car keys and head for the door....we are going to be late again

　

And so another day of sleepless nights begins again........

　

　

I won the lottery----bucketload of bad luck

             Well lucky me! It seems that I have won the lottery...a dumptruck full of bad luck.
 Have you ever had one of them weeks where you thought it would never end and things couldn't get worse?If you have , then welcome to life as I know it.
              It all seemed to start of a beautiful week . I woke up to the lovely sound of 3yr old twins screaming at 4am...such a lovely and peaceful sound:(.No matter how many times it happens my heart still ends up in my chest as I think the worse has happened.But alas its just them missing me and wanting to crawl in my warm bed and hog the blankets. So I race back to sleep as I know that in the next 45 minutes I have to get up and drive to the pool.....tick tock tick tock..watching the clock so I don't miss the alarm ......I drag them out to the car ,they are so excited as they think its so great to be out in the dark....look at the gas gauge and wonder how I will manage to push the car home with twins laughing all the way.
          The day got calmer and things went on as usual,,breakfast, tea, playtime and of course using the washroom ,which for 3 yr olds is always playtime and them being so independent I have to let them go on their own...they want privacy. I should know better that what they actually want to do is torment me lol. Out he comes with a grin as big as a Cheshire cat..he had done what he set out to do. I go into the washroom, reach for the handle and flush..but a sickening feeling rushes over me as I watch the tissue laden toilet swirl and chug along..did I catch a glimpse of something else? Oh ffs..not again! We just finally replaced the toilet after the last "private" moment...( he had managed to wedge a hair pick deep inside it..).this time it was the most expensive 99 cent travel shampoo.....he was so proud as he told me he threw a blue and white poison down the toilet....I could cry....I couldn't wait for bedtime!!! and its only 9 am.
       The week slowly munched along...the house a mess, the boys doing the normal crying for what they want, their usual  bantering back and forth with the odd eye scratch, hair torn out,legs bruised legs and hurt feelings.The girls have assignments due, swim team practice, work schedules,figuring out volunteer hours and trying to organize myself so I can keep everyone else organized....then out of nowhere comes another boom....a 452.00 cell phone bill....thought I was seeing things once again....not to be the case....( I don't own a cell phone so I don't know much about data useage but I do know that it is almost impossible to do that much damage if the data is turned off)..so the fight began with the cell phone carrier. I pulled out my suit of useless information out of the closet and put on my big girl underwear and prepared for battle. It was one of epic proportion...Im sure they had some egg on their face to clean up and I had to try to lower my blood pressure . My voice was hoarse from yelling explicit abc's at the computer...In the end ..between emails, telephone calls and a visit to one of their offices....it seems to be settled...time to enjoy a nice cup of tea I thought...it only lasted a few hours....until the roof collapsed in.
     A parents nightmare is one where their children have their license..one always wonders if they are ok..until you get that dreaded call...'mom, I was in an accident'
                   Its funny how  life flashes before your eyes in a matter of seconds...Holy fluk a duck! there is no way that this is happening..after all....I had already submitted my hours of front line battle for this week.....I ask if she is ok....she was rear ended:( my poor baby girl..the visions I had I don't want to even say......so that has begun a new chapter of bullshit to deal with..
                  First its the call to the police, the call to the "other" person and hope they are sensible...the travel to get estimates, the uncertainty of legitability of said other person....the calls to the always helpful insurance( they always make you feel like you have done something wrong) ...the visit to the doctor to get checked out and see if your brain is where it is supposed to be ..only to discover that she has a soft tissue injury....here we go.. hope she doesn't end up like me and have to deal with too much  pain, and hassle of trying to feel better...and then the final boom ....the doctor turns turns to me and says  "you don't look well".......

     I look behind me..is he talking to someone else? he better be! My week has already been overbooked for crap.....looks like its more tests for me..my nerves are shot....it cant possibly be anything else wrong with me...I want to tell him my schedule is full for the next 18 years and not to throw anymore bad luck my way ...guess he isn't listening....more tests, more questions to answer,more answers to get......time is ticking fast........don't interfere with my bucket list..after all I have this dumptruck load of bad luck to get through..I don't have time to be sidetracked......
      .I have toilets that need to be replaced, holes in the walls to fill, waterpaint to wash off and gum to scrape off the pillowcases, fights to referee,bitching at homework,scrubbing floors,highschool proms and graduations and , and .......and  ..................good thing they are cute......they are my bucket list!
       

The Grass isnt always greener on the other side

       There comes a turning point in ones life and we never know when it will hit or what it will hold. Mine came almost 3 years ago as I sat in Dr.Tibbos office and he said those magical words we all fear we would hear....You have cancer.My first reaction was oh crap..I have my baby girl here with me and she just heard her mother get a death sentence...I turned to her to comfort her and she had a blank stare...what was she thinking I wondered.
      We listened to him go over the options and treatment..Even though she was quiet and held together(which for her is a rare thing as she suffers from sever anxiety)I knew she was panicking inside...I had to keep her calm and reassured was my only thought..so I told him to book the surgery and get it over with.  If only I had stopped to think things over or if only I had the right information I needed to actually make a different decision.I came home and began the painful task of how to try to tell everyone..The hardest was preparing my children,making sure I said the right words while having a smile on my face...and so after a few days I made the "last man walking" talk with each of them separately...they took it very hard..Now how to tell my parents...I knew how they would over react and that is not what I wanted..I needed someone to tell me don't worry this is nothing..you got this in the bag...but like all parents..they took it harder than I did.
       The surgery went well the next week...it was easy peasy as they say..recovery was nothing..the meds were great..I felt pity for the woman in the bed next to me..oh my god I thought..that poor woman has small children and has cancer..what will they do...never once did I think I was in the same boat as her.After a few days I thought ok, that was that time to get on with life..its over...As I sat in the doctors office and he told me I had to go back in for more surgery..I was like ok..not doing this..after all I had Nfld Summer Games coming up,kids have exams,I have to get a shower,and mow my parents grass lol..I couldn't possibly do this..But once again my little girl told me I had to do this, I had to be here for her forever she said...So once again the next week I went in again..this time was not so easy...after all I had been decapitated so to speak twice now..stitches ripped out recut and then groped  and explored.
    I recovered quickly enough except that now my left side vocal box had been paralyzed..great now I sound like the Godfather.The kids enjoyed it..I couldn't scream let alone barely talk.I knew I would eventually have to take a synthetic drug now for the rest of my life and that was worse than everything else..even the dreaded upcoming radiation I would have to take.
      And that is where it all goes down hill. I was never told the effects my body and brain would go through without having a thyroid..who would have thought? I live with exhaustion ( not from running around with the 4 kids),permanent brain fog,joint pain, moodiness.....the missed swim practices or the not being involved like I was before ...for which I can only apologize but it is out of my control..there is no on or off switch with this shit( trust me,Ihave looked for it many times as  cant live with myself and my moods).The weight gain, the poor vision,taste differences,lack of motivation. Im sure people must think I am fucking crazy when the mood swings happen but I have come to realize..suck it up people ,deal with it....them I think  do I tell them why I am this way? Do I have to explain myself over every little disagreement? Cant do that I tell myself, that would be using a crutch as to not try to better yourself and whining about what is wrong with me..not my style.All I can say is bare with me and don't hit me too hard. Thank god for my parents being there to help when I need it for without them this would be a mad house.
      So its almost 3 years this May since my surgery ...2 more years before I can say I don't have cancer....at this point it doesn't matter....Only for my children I would have chose not to have the surgery and who knows where I would be. or if things would be any different..I might not be here to wake up for  those eye rolls, they loving hugs,the shit on the walls or the little giggles and soft voices telling me they love me...
    I realize that no amount of suffering I have to go through everyday  is nothing compared to those little faces of mine ( all 5) having no one to be here for them and let them know that everything will be ok....that everything happens for a reason ....I could be looking at the grass from the other side ( which by the way needs to be mowed)   and I need them as much as they need me...
                                                                               .good thing I love them ox

                  

looking on the wrong side of the grass

                     
                                     
    
    
      
          

Soul Searcher

With a housefull of people and armloads of responsibilities there are days I wish I could turn back time.  I think if only I had stayed true to what I wanted to do I would have been designing clothes at some wild eccentric fashion house...living far away from newfoundland on a warm and sunny island...not sitting at home washing clothes, driving to swim practices,eluding sleep,dealing with attitude from hormonal frightening teenage girls who can only manage to growl out what/ or give me their ever so sweet eye roll of shame,having to make sure the fridge is stocked and bellies are full. Washing someone elses body functions off the walls or toilets and showers. I daydream to what colors I would choose for the crazy outfits Id make or the places I would visit.I would be someone important..not just a mother.
     I finally get to sit down after 15 hours or so of non stop craziness and I look around...I am a designer...I get to mold and design their little brains,draw plans up for their amazing lives I hope they live,help give them the options of what runway they will walk down and let the world see what amazing creatures I have made..they are colorful, free-willed,full of the unknown..they are my works of art....so I guess I have followed the  path I wanted  and have been artistic to a certain degree ....I am someone important to the most important people to me.. I am their mother...
     

No sleep? Suck it up buttercup!

How is it possible to have the longest week ever but yet it flew by so fast as it is a week since I last posted.
  Sleep has been eluding me and the craters for under eye circles look like the black holes from space.
I have woken up for 530 am swim practices, cleaned shit off the walls (wont post those pics as I fear you will throw up lol),played hide n seek for 100 times,folded the same laundry 5 times as the boys love to "help" out,driven other peoples kids around as it seems I have nothing else to do with my life. rearanged furniture,planned a home demo, baked 3 cakes--which mysteriously had chunks missing just after hitting the counter(passed the twins taste test),had meetings and survived the migraine from hell.
    The light of my days was seeing those little faces when they wake up happy but still too tired to terrorize the house and bedtime when they wrap their arms around and say luv you .....the girls are too big to do that now or too cool...maybe Ill sneak in when they are sleeping and cuddle them...

  At the end of the day and no matter how much poop I deal with ..wether on the walls or peoples shit...I will love my family but all I ask from them is to let me SLEEP!!!! just for 5 minutes lol..good thing I love them ox

  

Hair Raising Day

       It has been a 911 kind of day. First this darn migraine wont let go of me..I swear I can feel every hair move to the beat of its own drum. Maybe its the change in atmosphere, the decisions to  be made about the swim team, wondering if my baby girl will be pissed if I make the wrong choices for her for her swimming ...but whatever the cause is -----enough already!!!!
       I want to thank Nfld Light and Power for their contribution to my overall decling health by sending their lovely thank you note for using their resources...aka "THE BILL"...I think I fainted or had a stroke after seeing those lovely numbers jump off the page to greet me...HOLY MUDDER was I housing a soccer team that I didn't know about..really who can use that much kw in a month? It must be wrong. There has been too much snow for the electricity guy to actually walk up and manually check out the meters so he must have fudged mine :)). Does 3 30 minute showers use tat much? nahhh cant be.  So after 911 was called to resuscitate me  the day went on as normal....cooked the girls ordered meal--scalloped potatoes and knitted a scarf while I waited for it to cook...I hate wasting time on anything.
      I try to explain to the kids..turn off the tvs at night, wear a sweater instead of cranking the heat up on bust, 15 minutes is enough time to wash and condition your hair if you shave your legs while the conditioner is on hahaha.They weren't impressed with me..such is life ..what else is new. I could never be the voice of reason for them as I seem to know nothing of importance.  I tell them nothing in life is free ..except for 'static" electricity.....if they keep it up Ill have to sell them:)) good thing I love them ox
 

Its been a hair raising day in more ways than 1

           
    

No brainer

            We often wonder if the little ears and eyes are paying attention to everything that you do. I know they do but am not always aware of it .
            How is it they cant hear you when  you yell out to them but can hear you when you whisper those silent jumpin' jesus when you stub your toe or pick up the dinkies that are strewn around the room for the 20th time for the day?
             Yesterday was busy as swimming started up despite the rolling blackout warnings and school would be reopening today so Mom that is why the blog didn't happen.I did however take a pic to show how our actions are noticed by others:)) and no Tetley for me once again.
              So back to the 530 am swim practice and of course it would be the only morning in 3 weeks that the little men decided they would sleep in.I used to love getting up every second morning to watch the team practice..loved the dedication and determination the kids showed..but unfortunately life threw me a  few curve balls a few years ago that has stripped me of energy, enthusiasm and time.So now mornings are like the tim hortons drive-thru lol..drop off and pick up. I do miss the time I spent getting to know all the kids..great bunch they are .BUT I like those few extra minutes of shut eye more..shame on me and my selfish ways.
          Now back to bed for me as this migraine  is going to be the death of me and decisions have to be made wether to cut off my right or left leg to pay for all the swim meets coming up..after all this body is too old and crippled to sell on the street corner anymore lol. I wonder if I could sell a kidney around here lol
      

So much for my relaxing few minutes watching the birds and enjoying my Tetley....copycat slurpers!

 

              

Day of Reflection

           I thought for sure I would get to sleep in this morning or had high hopes of doing so..The boys went to bed late and with talks of a freezing rain storm ..my hopes were high for a great slumber...I was almost positive that I had just fallen asleep 5 minutes before I  heard..creek,creek,creek..ma? .wtf is that I thought? peeked through slightly shuttered eyes and saw them.....I must be dreaming or was hoping I was. I looked at the alarm clock 5:00 am..I tried everything but promising them cookies for breakfast  THEY WERE NOT GOING TO GO TO SLEEP.....and so my day starts.
            Mother Nature was not cooperating today...but I was prepared with Mr. Wooly socks and Ms Tetley Tea....sat by the window for a few minutes of reflection...who am I kidding...I sat there laughing to myself....I was soo close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel....3 more years of high school and all my kids would be finished and here I am doing it again ( they are worth it and I would do it all over) but all I asked for was 5 more minutes in bed lol.
             I try not to dwell on the past few years of my life ..dealing with fibro, car accident, cancer and raising my grandboys...but quiet mornings make it hard not to think  why me....bang bang,,ma he hit me snaps me right out of my misery and into their chaos..thank god I love  them ox
   
     

        

Calm before the storm

What a beautiful sunny day to wake up to. As usual, the first thing I do is look out my bedroom window to see what the day has in store for me and thanks to Santa for bringing me a bird feeder , I now start off looking to see what wonders mother nature has brought to join me for breakfast...nada!
     The few quiet moments I usually have to wake up seem to have now been taken away as the twins have discovered how to take the child proof door knob thinga majiggers off.(good thing they are cute haha)So long Tetley..was nice knowing you.
   I decided to switch it up today...they wanted to change the routine? OKAY..the girls are sleeping so why not keep the house quiet . I ran around trying to gather up all their gear as it is a cold one...God I hate winter and all the clothing that it requires but  I am cutting off my nose to spite my face so to speak--must get out of the house!
     They remind me to take my camera..as if I could forget :)) and off we go..into the wild!! We start off with a visit to their snow tunnel, then to the slide doesn't seem to bother them that it is covered in 3 feet of snow. Snap a pic here and there and then drag them away for a walk with the promise of seeing some animals...Oh my God there is so much snow.........they love to hear the crunching under their boots but darn it they hate when they do a face plant in the snow...they are like the turtles..cant get up without rolling over...Im going to hell for letting them struggle for a few minutes just incase they actually can get up but I know they cant . After 3hours outside,purple faces and worn out legs I managed to drag them back in with the promise of hot chocolate and snack time.....its going to be a long day!
  

This Ride is a wild one

                  What a year or 2( according to my last blog) it has been. So much has happened..some good ,some not so good but Ill leave those stories for a quiet day....and there are lots of stories to tell.

                   2014 started with a bang .Mother Nature decided to help Newfoundland start its yearly kitchen party(when the power goes that is where everyone huddles)
     The first storm of the year brought high winds and roughly 39cm of snow. It has left 100,000 people with no power so all hell has broken out. Its like a bunch of rats looking for a piece of cheese.The gas has run low, the food is in shortage and patience is long gone.

I was given the opportunity to be chauffeured around town so I could take pics and enjoy a few minutes of quiet time..I couldn't refuse. I grabbed my coat ...took the boys to their great grandparents and jumped in the truck and hoped my battery was fully charged. I could barely stand up to take this pic, the wind was so high and Im pretty sure I had icicles inside my nose and eyes.But it was all worth it.Mother Nature takes away but she also gives back..such beauty!