We listened to him go over the options and treatment..Even though she was quiet and held together(which for her is a rare thing as she suffers from sever anxiety)I knew she was panicking inside...I had to keep her calm and reassured was my only thought..so I told him to book the surgery and get it over with. If only I had stopped to think things over or if only I had the right information I needed to actually make a different decision.I came home and began the painful task of how to try to tell everyone..The hardest was preparing my children,making sure I said the right words while having a smile on my face...and so after a few days I made the "last man walking" talk with each of them separately...they took it very hard..Now how to tell my parents...I knew how they would over react and that is not what I wanted..I needed someone to tell me don't worry this is nothing..you got this in the bag...but like all parents..they took it harder than I did.
The surgery went well the next week...it was easy peasy as they say..recovery was nothing..the meds were great..I felt pity for the woman in the bed next to me..oh my god I thought..that poor woman has small children and has cancer..what will they do...never once did I think I was in the same boat as her.After a few days I thought ok, that was that time to get on with life..its over...As I sat in the doctors office and he told me I had to go back in for more surgery..I was like ok..not doing this..after all I had Nfld Summer Games coming up,kids have exams,I have to get a shower,and mow my parents grass lol..I couldn't possibly do this..But once again my little girl told me I had to do this, I had to be here for her forever she said...So once again the next week I went in again..this time was not so easy...after all I had been decapitated so to speak twice now..stitches ripped out recut and then groped and explored.
I recovered quickly enough except that now my left side vocal box had been paralyzed..great now I sound like the Godfather.The kids enjoyed it..I couldn't scream let alone barely talk.I knew I would eventually have to take a synthetic drug now for the rest of my life and that was worse than everything else..even the dreaded upcoming radiation I would have to take.
And that is where it all goes down hill. I was never told the effects my body and brain would go through without having a thyroid..who would have thought? I live with exhaustion ( not from running around with the 4 kids),permanent brain fog,joint pain, moodiness.....the missed swim practices or the not being involved like I was before ...for which I can only apologize but it is out of my control..there is no on or off switch with this shit( trust me,Ihave looked for it many times as cant live with myself and my moods).The weight gain, the poor vision,taste differences,lack of motivation. Im sure people must think I am fucking crazy when the mood swings happen but I have come to realize..suck it up people ,deal with it....them I think do I tell them why I am this way? Do I have to explain myself over every little disagreement? Cant do that I tell myself, that would be using a crutch as to not try to better yourself and whining about what is wrong with me..not my style.All I can say is bare with me and don't hit me too hard. Thank god for my parents being there to help when I need it for without them this would be a mad house.
So its almost 3 years this May since my surgery ...2 more years before I can say I don't have cancer....at this point it doesn't matter....Only for my children I would have chose not to have the surgery and who knows where I would be. or if things would be any different..I might not be here to wake up for those eye rolls, they loving hugs,the shit on the walls or the little giggles and soft voices telling me they love me...
I realize that no amount of suffering I have to go through everyday is nothing compared to those little faces of mine ( all 5) having no one to be here for them and let them know that everything will be ok....that everything happens for a reason ....I could be looking at the grass from the other side ( which by the way needs to be mowed) and I need them as much as they need me...
.good thing I love them ox
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| looking on the wrong side of the grass |
