Ive been watching everyone bustling around, putting up their decorations, laughing, singing and giggling with anticipation..all with dreaded fear, tears that seem to pop out of nowhere and the most unexpected times..I am so jealous of what they have right in front of their eyes. They dont need presents to tell someone they love them or to show how much they mean to them.. they have their loved ones, their families all together. What I wouldn't give to have my family back, to have my baby girl at home where she belongs.
I bought a few things , just to keep the twins from feeling left out when they went back to school and heard all the kids talking about what they got from that fat red guy who has taken away what the day is all about. I wrapped a few but didnt have it in me so they lay naked against the tree ( if you can call it a tree) with a bow attached..it didnt matter.
We all sat around in the room filled with heaviness and sadness, which we tried to hide as best as we could, watching them open the gifts and thank everyone but it was like they were looking for something else,expected something else.
Later that night as I was tucking them in, taking turns rocking them , singing our song , I asked what was wrong..thats when they told me.. they had asked Santa to bring me a present but he never..I asked what was it? They asked that he bring Santa home for me and that he make me not so sad anymore...Now I knew what they were looking for.. the same thing I was.. my Alyssa...now I know for sure there is no such thing as Santa.. its all lies, all made up..just a farce of a monetary society that only gives and believes in kindness one time a year.
Saturday, June 25, 2016
I was so excited, for the first time in many years I was ready for "man in fat red suit day" ( I will never be able to celebrate that day again as it should be). The house was clean , baking was done and all the presents were wrapped..just waiting.
The kids were all happy and enjoying being around each other. I took notice of the girls actually sitting on the couch together ( they usually cant even be in the same room as one another).. They were laughing at some stupid thing I had said.I sat in the living room with them , marvelling at their chatter, and feeling the love they had for each other..even commenting on how it should always be like this ( laughing, smiling, no hair pulling or scratching). They laughed and chatted about secrets, showed off their tattoos and piercings,poking fun at me and discussing what plans they had for the day.Jhessi even invited her little sister to go for a drive to get food for the pets and probably last minute shopping..I was so happy to hear it as it never happens and thought this was the turning point in their relationship....but sadly Alyssa declined as she had already made plans..How I wish she had gone with her! wish I could turn back time and be a mother and force her to go with her big sister
I was going to have the best Dec 25th that we could ever have. Then Life as I know it crashed all around me.